Diary of my Pregnancy - 40 year old first timer

4 weeks 2 days

So now I'm pregnant. I know, there should be an exclamation point. On baby central they use the term BFP (Big F---ing Positive). Clearly it is a big deal. But it is hard to be excited when I know the realities.

Everyone I know miscarried the first time. I'm only 4wks pregnant. Just a blob at that point. I'm 40. So much can still go wrong. I am more likely to miscarry than not. So it is hard to get overjoyed. I'm usually an optimist, and those of you reading this would think I am a complete buzz kill. However, I don't want to start naming the baby before I have even gotten past the point where I can see my baby on ultrasound.

I did make an appointment for that. Nearly 3 weeks from now. A long time to wait. Every day I go to the bathroom and half expect to see my period. So far so good.

My husband is like me, and has had similar feelings. He's been to 18weeks and then miscarried, so he knows what it is like to get really into it and have it all go wrong. That being said, we wonder aloud what our child will look like (will have a VERY thick head of hair), what they will act like (probably like his daughter who is remarkably similar to me...only moreso), what the name could be (already picked out for a girl, no clue what it would be for a boy)...

How am I feeling? Honestly, early stages of pregnancy are remarkably like PMS. Sore breasts, a little weepy, and a little crampy. I think the dull aches are from the implantation process of the baby into the uterus. The parasite (i.e. miracle child) is boring a hole into my uterus. Makes sense that would hurt a little.

While we are mostly keeping this under wraps, there are a few select people who know. Mostly because I need an outlet to talk about it or I will go insane.

(Note the posting is not completely contemporaneous with my actual dates at this point because I started the blog a week after all of this is taking place...so there will be a few posts this week as I catch up and will eventually have a weekly posting to reflect the actual time frame.)